Brokeness

As I've ministered to many women, I’ve heard a lot about brokenness and being broken. Although God would give me a word for my sisters in Christ, there was a part of me that could not quite relate to the feeling of brokeness. Yes - I'd been hurt, I've been frustrated and experienced different forms of tragedy. But until recently I don’t think I’ve ever experienced brokeness.

There was no specific incident, nor one tragic event. Instead, there were just small cracks, tiny dents in my life that continued to spread, grow and expand. I somehow convinced myself that I could handle the cracks. I was in control. We are never in control. Until I was at a point of brokenness. A broken heart, broken dreams, broken vision, broken spirit.


The pain is so similar to what a physical brokenness would be. You can feel yourself bleeding, emotions pouring out of every crack. Erupting. The blood keeps coming. I try to hide it – put bandaids over it, cover it. But somehow it slips through my fingers. My hands are covered with it – blood. Red. Remnants of my pain. Years of covering, hiding, dealing. I am reminded of Isaiah 61:1. Jesus says He has come to bind the brokenhearted. Ah! It makes so much sense now. I now see why I need Him to bind it. My bandaids, my hands, my tissue cannot stop the bleeding, cannot cover the cracks and dents. Only His bandages, His hands can cover, can heal. Can stop the bleeding


How do you heal a broken heart? How do you heal brokenness? How do you begin to put pieces back together again? I’m still in the process. But first, I know I have to stop the bleeding. I have to run to my Savior and allow Him to find the wounds, the cracks, the dents and put His bandages over them. To touch them. Examine them. Kiss them. Its so painful. Most of my wounds – although there, I don’t want to relive. I almost prefer for them to sit and fester. Just as a child doesn’t want the bandaid removed. But I know healing must come. In order to be free, to live abundantly in Him – I must move myself out of the way and let Him heal my brokenness.

He is Mine!

"The Lord is MY Shepherd..." Psalm 23:1

What a faithful and familiar scripture. It is recited at most funerals and read in church services many times a year. Many children memorize this scripture at a young age and carry it with them into adulthood.  But do we really understand the depth and power of these five words? 

As I spent time in prayer and meditation this morning, I lingered over this verse and just let it penetrate my heart. The temptation was to keep going, keep reading or even just recite the rest of the Psalm. 

But I stopped.

The Lord is MY Shepherd...

Looking around...who me?  The one with all the flaws, who keeps stumbling and stopping, who sometimes says stupid things and allows ugly feelings to creep into my heart? 

And the Lord whispers: "Yes...you."

Despite setbacks, failures, mistakes, He is still mine (and yours too!)  He knows where and how to lead me. He watches over me with the closest eyes.  He carries me when I'm weak.  He whispers in my ear and gives me rest when I need it.  He is My Shepherd.

I love that we serve a God that is so personal and loving.  He can touch the core of our being. He knows us so intimately.  Better than we know ourselves. It reminds me of the song Killing Me Softly by Roberta Flack.  There is a part of the song that says:  "...telling my whole life with His words." Yes.  He knows my whole life, the falls and flaws, yet He watches over me so closely and faithfully.

That is My Shepherd, seeing right through me, loving me and protecting me!  What a loving Shepherd.

Starting, Timing and those Darn Shoes...

It has been quite awhile since I’ve blogged. I’ve thought about it a million times, wondering where to begin, where to pick up, how to start again. And then I thought… “start where you are.”

Starting is rarely easy. We are often consumed with being perfect, saying just the right thing or making the right move. But sometimes, we just need to start right where we are, broken, confused, messed up and all. I think of the many, many (did I emphasize MANY) times I’ve been paralyzed by fear, doubt, insecurity (the list goes on) and I did nothing. But I am reminded that when we don’t know where to start or become paralyzed, God is never surprised nor are His hands ever tied. He knows us (and them) better than we do. He is forever at work.

With that, I can relax a little and...well, trust. There is no need for me to feel so obligated to get it right each time or have it all figured out. I don’t need to come up with the perfect plan. I just need to start. Put one foot in front of the other. He is in control, not me.

I think of my dear, sweet, cutie pie… my youngest son. He has so many new starts in his life lately. He recently started kindergarten, at which his lovely teacher told us that he is not fond of following or waiting for instructions. I sigh and inwardly laugh thinking of all the trouble he will have inheriting my “gene.” I very rarely read instructions and boy has that gotten me into a few tight spots. And now, his most recent start… learning to tie his shoes. He has no desire to learn how to tie his shoes. I was beginning to get a bit concerned. But then I thought… I am absolutely certain Trenton will not enter college without knowing how to tie his shoes. Somehow, somewhere along the way – I know he will get it. Would I love for him to experience it now, with the rest of his class? Yes! Would I love to see the excitement in his eyes when he finally does it on his own. Most certainly! But in the meantime, I can rest assured that he will get it. In his own way. In his own time. All I ask from my little pumpkin is to start.

And the same goes for you, dear one.

Wherever you are...just start.

You will get IT.
You will get through THIS.
You will endure THEM.
At just the right time…

Whatever starts, or restarts you are facing right now…trust in God’s Divine timing and plan. Our Redeemer is so faithful, perfect and loving. We so often forget just how loving He is; He is not surprised by where we are or who we are. Just stay steady. (Be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord. 1 Corinthians 15:58)

We are an imperfect, beautiful mess, in the middle of becoming all God intended us to be. (Philippians 1:6) And God has promised to see us through to the end. Surrender to God’s rhythm and timing.

More to Our Story...

Headlines. Lately, I’ve been consumed with them. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Andrew Weiner. Bishop Eddie Long, Casey Anthony trial. When I don’t have time to read the news, I quickly catch up by listening to CNN, HLN or one of the morning magazine shows. I will get a 2 minute story and run off to my day, thinking I’ve really gotten the “story.” I continue on with my day repeating the story of others as I get coffee or make copies….as if I KNOW.

Recently, it occurred to me that I really don’t have the story at all. I know nothing. I have a headline and a two minute sound bite or a journalists perspective. And even that is not the whole story. It is only a small, very small version of it.

What if someone walked away from my life, your life, my space, your space with a headline based on what they see today or what they‘ve gathered from moments in your past. . And of course, the headline needs to be enticing and over the top. No one opts for a boring headline. What would your headline be today? Is that really your story or my story? Would anyone know the whys, the heartbreaks, the obstacles, the baggage, the guilt, the fears, the hopes and dreams that we struggle with or hold close to our heart each day. All of us have them. And it definitely makes each of our stories different and complex. Even with the obnoxious and heinous behavior depicted in the recent headlines, I feel a sort of compassion for them, realizing that I don’t know their whole story.

And this is what helps me between breaths. I realize that there is more to ME than what is happening at this moment. Sometimes we forget that there is more to our own story. Don’t define yourself by one act, one mistake, one failure, or even the second or third. Our story goes on. It’s God’s gift to us. I think of all the stories in the Bible - those that go on for chapters and books, and those that are just a few verses. Rahab, Job, Joseph, Esther, Mary. Even with those stories - we tend to fill in the blanks and come up with our conclusions or explanations.

It all comes back to Grace. Accepting this truth about yourself and others is a gift of Grace. A reminder that God is still at work and His love is beyond all that we can think or conceive. That there is more. So much more. That His love never ends. He is there ….writing a glorious ending to our messy story.

In the Dust...

I’m not really sure where this entry will lead, but I just had to share my insights today after reading a familiar scripture. This morning I was lead to John 8 – the story of the woman caught in adultery. I love when we read something over and over in God’s precious Word, and then one day, suddenly, a detail or word just leaps off the page. It captures our attention and embraces our heart.

My eyes filled with tears as I read this familiar story. I imagine that woman standing there – uncomfortable, terrified, ashamed, humiliated, as she was being accused of this “deadly” sin.

Yet my heart melts and fills and overflows when I think of Jesus, her Knight and Shining armor coming to her rescue. I cheer and clap as imagine that His very presence with this woman made everyone pause and scratch their heads.

"Why her?"

He challenges them and the people scatter. And there our loving Savior kneels to write in the dust. Oh – how I long to know what He wrote that day. He has left it a mystery to us for a reason. But we do know that it was truth and love that covers a multitude of accusations, sins, mistakes and bad choices.

And then my favorite part…it was just the two of them. Jesus and this adulterous woman. We often rush through our scripture reading and view the scene in “real time” – but maybe, just maybe – it was just Jesus and this woman alone for quite some time.

Together. In silence. Yes, when everyone scattered, she was alone in His presence.

I smirk when I imagine what Jesus does next. Our all-knowing Friend asks her a question, as if He doesn’t know the answer. And with all the love in the world, He tells her to go and sin no more.

My eyes fill with tears as I pause and think of the many women standing accused, maybe not of adultery, but of something. And our Savior comes to us, each and every time, writing in the dust…offering us something more.

There is so much we can take away from this. But today I want to stay in one place. When you are between breaths, know that Jesus is writing a message for you in the dust. You may not know what word His fingers are tracing. But you can be confident that it is FOR you. It is truth. It is hope. It is healing. It is grace. And it will set you FREE.

Stay Calm… He Fills the Gaps

I still remember those fun afternoons taking swimming lessons at the YWCA. As a child, I really hated getting my hair wet. I knew it meant a long night of washing out chlorine, drying, braiding, etc. But I enjoyed the water. Until one day. . .that dreadful day I almost drowned.

I was still learning to swim. I could float and do basic swim moves, but I was not ready for those deep waters. Yet, I was intrigued by all that water. I was ready to try it. While my friends were playing “safely” in familiar territory, I inched my way over to the deep end. However, as I was sliding over, I slipped on the hump that divides the shallow and the deep.

And there began thirty seconds of my life I will always remember.

Slipping, gulping, struggling, falling, fighting, gasping.

Everything happened so quickly, yet as I think of it now, it felt like …forever.

In the middle of what felt like … forever – strong arms grabbed me and pulled me back to safety and calmed my flailing arms. Tears were streamed down my face, still frightened of what “could have been.” But I was safe…God filled in the gaps.

And so it is in life, between breaths...

When we get in over our heads, slip, fall and gasp for breath, God is there. His big strong arms, that never really left us, nor will ever leave us, are holding us, protecting us, guiding us.

He fills the gaps.

We don’t need to fight or figure it out. Somehow…His mighty hands fits all the jumbled, confusing pieces together. And one day, we will look back, as I do on my “drowning experience” and realize that I was safe and all the lessons learned in those thirty seconds.

What are the gaps in your life? Where are you struggling to breathe and gasping for air? He will give you what you need between the breaths.

Look at the Little Things: Lessons and Blessings

So are you still between breaths? Are you still feeling like your life is on pause? Waiting for the next big thing, blessing, miracle, excitement? Waiting for the hurt to end? Waiting for direction? It can be a difficult place, somewhat uncomfortable and frustrating. But friends – don’t get stuck in that feeling. God always has lessons and blessings along the way. Breath of God Magazine just finished doing a study on the book of Jonah (check us out on blogtalk radio). I LOVE the ending of Jonah when despite Jonah’s running, temper tantrums and anger, God blesses him with a plant to give him shade DURING his tantrum. Wow God! You are so intimate with us! You love us so much. If we would just look for you between our breaths. And so it is in our life….

The next survival tip for is to take delight in the lessons and the blessings. Stop looking for the big stuff. We are so eager to run to prayer lines, conferences and see “so-so” come in town for our big word from God. We pray for the miracle. That big breath we think that will change our course, our life, our happiness, our destiny. No, no, no…

I’m talking about those small lessons and blessings that often slip by us. As we are between breaths, don’t worry about that next big breath that you THINK you can’t live without. It is all an illusion, really… We think it’s the big gulps of air that we need, that keep us alive, that make us happy. But really – its those small, tiny breaths that we barely notice. Just like the “small” lessons and blessings that He sprinkles through our journey. The sunshine hitting our face at just the right moment. A soft breeze on a picture perfect day. The smell that takes us back to a special time in our lives. Listening to rain. The feeling we get when have completed "that" task. The laughter of children. Dinner with friends and family. The nothingness of a quiet afternoon. Clothes folded and put away. Finding a ten dollar bill in old purse. A pair of shoes that make the entire outfit. Just those little things that make us smile and breathe…

Look for the little things between each breath.