Sitting In Your Grief

Recently, I was dealing with some uneasiness in my life.  Nagging feelings, sadness, dissatisfaction.  There were so many things going on during this season of my life; there was no one big "thing" I could attribute the feelings.  I struggled to label it, call it something, or even "blame" it on one particular thing or person. I wanted to call it “something” so that I could “google it” and get to fixing it.  Perhaps this the reason why we so often want to blame or name our emotions or events in our life - so that we can start finding a cure, a comfort, something to relieve our pain. Not understanding where my malaise was coming from left me feeling out of control and lost.   

One day over coffee and a girl chat, a dear friend suggested: "Lee, perhaps you are grieving." Grieving? Yes, my grandfather had recently passed away - but I didn't think I was in a state of grief with his homegoing.  She reminded me that grieving is about all kinds of loss in our life, not just death.  Loss.  Yes, I was experiencing some loss in my life.  So…. I googled it.  And yes it stated:  “Grief is the reaction to any loss. Individuals grieve in connection with a variety of losses throughout their lives, such as unemployment, ill health, moving or the end of a relationship. “

So this was a start. The start of me understanding more of how I handle grief and even those things that were silently breaking my heart.  There were losses that I had not even considered that were probably affecting me deeply:  loss of leadership positions, church relationships, dissolution of family relationships, death, ending of friendships, change and loss of employees.  Yes, there was loss.

And so... I found myself grappling with grief...glimpses of grief in my life. I read of the different stages of grief and realized that I was in a different stage depending on the loss.  I struggled with how to address it and deal with it.  But something my dear friend and mentor said to me struck a nerve:  “Sometimes we just need to sit in our grief.”  Huh…what?  What does that mean?

My disposition and personality is to get rid of whatever is ailing you…and do it quickly.  Fix it. Remove it.  Get over it.  Definitely not “sit” it in. Yet, my friend stuck with her prescription - "Sit in it."

After thinking more about what she meant, I realized how much it was actually needed.  Often we are so quick to get rid of a feeling or emotion, we don’t bother to explore the origin of it and therefore how to prevent it or learn from it in the future.  Sometimes we need to learn how to deal with our pain, despite where it came from.  It reminds me of the process of working out.  When I’m running or lifting weights and I start feeling discomfort, my first inclination is to stop.  I will hear the trainer or run partner encourage me “push through the pain” or “keep going.”  It takes every ounce of mental strength for me to do this.  And I know they are encouraging me to do it so that I can grow.  Get stronger.  Gain confidence.  Progress to the next level.

And so it is with grief and emotional discomfort.  Let’s learn to sit in it for a little while. Deal with the pain.  Feel the tears. Ask the right questions of ourselves and learn  more about the things that break our heart and why. 

I thought about grief in the Bible. Who dealt with grief?  There were many, but I zoned in One. Jesus.  "Jesus wept."  Even before he wept, it says that "he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled."  But he didn't rush to fix it.  He didn't manipulate the situation.  He wept.  He felt the emotion and dealt with it.

Are you dealing with ANY loss in your life?  Don't brush it to the side and assume it hasn't affected you much. Sit with your feelings, feel the tears and learn from it. 

Survival Tip #1 - Don’t Underestimate the Power of Friendship

As I still struggle to catch my breath, I thought it may be beneficial to share a few survival tips that I’m learning as I pant, gasp and sometimes choke. A recent survival tip that I’ve recently learned is the power of friendship.

With social networking and our busy, busy lives, we often ignore or underestimate time with friends. Posting on walls or tweeting each other has replaced simple time just talking on the phone or chatting over coffee or nachos.

To complicate things, when we are struggling to catch our breath, we tend to think we are alone, or that no one will understand. We seclude ourselves, hide our feelings and avoid others. Alone, we grasp for whatever is within reach, instead of grabbing the hand of a dear friend.

Last night I met a friend at Barnes and Noble to chat about a project and business venture. Soon our discussion turned personal, and we shared the most recent highs and lows about our lives. As words and feelings began to freely flow, without much thought, rhyme or reason, it became an exhale moment.

I left that little table in the bookstore feeling a sense of relief. The problems were still there, I am still not breathing on my own, but for a moment, I felt the friendship of GOD. I felt Him loving on me, laughing with me, encouraging me. My “between breaths” moment didn’t seem so BIG. It felt temporary and that life will go on.

That is what is so special about fellowship and why I believe God asks us to not forsake our assembling together…our issues don’t seem so large when we are with others. We realize that other people have “stuff” too - and that life goes on.

Friendship is an wonderful gift from God. It is sad when people don’t treasure that gift. We see beautiful examples of friendship in scripture, particularly between David and Jonathan and Mary and Elizabeth. It is as if God gave us friends to be his hands, his arms, His legs - here on Earth. His Spirit in the Flesh.

If you are between breaths. If you are not breathing on your own. If you are gasping or suffocating - reach out to a friend and allow them in. Let God guide you to the person and through the conversation. He is faithful, even in friendships.