Sitting In Your Grief

Recently, I was dealing with some uneasiness in my life.  Nagging feelings, sadness, dissatisfaction.  There were so many things going on during this season of my life; there was no one big "thing" I could attribute the feelings.  I struggled to label it, call it something, or even "blame" it on one particular thing or person. I wanted to call it “something” so that I could “google it” and get to fixing it.  Perhaps this the reason why we so often want to blame or name our emotions or events in our life - so that we can start finding a cure, a comfort, something to relieve our pain. Not understanding where my malaise was coming from left me feeling out of control and lost.   

One day over coffee and a girl chat, a dear friend suggested: "Lee, perhaps you are grieving." Grieving? Yes, my grandfather had recently passed away - but I didn't think I was in a state of grief with his homegoing.  She reminded me that grieving is about all kinds of loss in our life, not just death.  Loss.  Yes, I was experiencing some loss in my life.  So…. I googled it.  And yes it stated:  “Grief is the reaction to any loss. Individuals grieve in connection with a variety of losses throughout their lives, such as unemployment, ill health, moving or the end of a relationship. “

So this was a start. The start of me understanding more of how I handle grief and even those things that were silently breaking my heart.  There were losses that I had not even considered that were probably affecting me deeply:  loss of leadership positions, church relationships, dissolution of family relationships, death, ending of friendships, change and loss of employees.  Yes, there was loss.

And so... I found myself grappling with grief...glimpses of grief in my life. I read of the different stages of grief and realized that I was in a different stage depending on the loss.  I struggled with how to address it and deal with it.  But something my dear friend and mentor said to me struck a nerve:  “Sometimes we just need to sit in our grief.”  Huh…what?  What does that mean?

My disposition and personality is to get rid of whatever is ailing you…and do it quickly.  Fix it. Remove it.  Get over it.  Definitely not “sit” it in. Yet, my friend stuck with her prescription - "Sit in it."

After thinking more about what she meant, I realized how much it was actually needed.  Often we are so quick to get rid of a feeling or emotion, we don’t bother to explore the origin of it and therefore how to prevent it or learn from it in the future.  Sometimes we need to learn how to deal with our pain, despite where it came from.  It reminds me of the process of working out.  When I’m running or lifting weights and I start feeling discomfort, my first inclination is to stop.  I will hear the trainer or run partner encourage me “push through the pain” or “keep going.”  It takes every ounce of mental strength for me to do this.  And I know they are encouraging me to do it so that I can grow.  Get stronger.  Gain confidence.  Progress to the next level.

And so it is with grief and emotional discomfort.  Let’s learn to sit in it for a little while. Deal with the pain.  Feel the tears. Ask the right questions of ourselves and learn  more about the things that break our heart and why. 

I thought about grief in the Bible. Who dealt with grief?  There were many, but I zoned in One. Jesus.  "Jesus wept."  Even before he wept, it says that "he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled."  But he didn't rush to fix it.  He didn't manipulate the situation.  He wept.  He felt the emotion and dealt with it.

Are you dealing with ANY loss in your life?  Don't brush it to the side and assume it hasn't affected you much. Sit with your feelings, feel the tears and learn from it. 

Don't Neglect Your Gift

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It has been awhile since I have put pen to paper. For many years, it was the one thing I would do where time disappeared and I was swept into another time and place. The fruits of my writing brought clarity, tears, freedom, hope and built bridges.  I've always known it was a gift.

I was recently reminded of this God-given gift by my inquisitive and observant 99 year old grandfather. As he lay in his sick bed, with very little energy and breath, he looks directly at me and asks me: "have you been writing lately?"

Gulp....

Ashamed, I responded "a little ..." Yes, a few weeks ago I finished an article for Breath of God Magazine. And yes, I had written in my journal a bit.  However, other than that, I had mainly only written emails, proposals and marketing copy for work. Definitely not the type of writing that I know I've called and commissioned to do. The busyness and anxieties of life had gotten the best of me over the past year or two.  You see, the fascinating thing about writing - you need to be in the present, in the moment, in the now to truly write from your heart. You need to embrace and revel in the current situations of your life. Lately, I had been too busy pondering the past and worrying about my future to pay much attention to my "now."

My grandfather's question was stinging. It was a poignant reminder of my gift.  This gift that I had  neglected for the past year. Yes, this gift given from God and somehow inherited from this brilliant man, my grandfather. The minute he asked the question, I decided... no more. Never again.

Later that day, I asked my Grandfather: "What is something you would have done differently in life?" With very little breath, yet with no delay, he explained that he would have kept writing. He would have stayed in journalism school, despite the fact he was told that blacks were not allowed. He would have kept writing for the Akron Beacon Journal. He would have continued to use his gift. With 56 years between us, our reasons for not writing were similar; me staring at my past and grappling with the future, my grandfather taken by the war and distracted by racist views and how he would be able to move forward.

Are you using your gifts?  Are you doing that thing that God has called you to do?  If not, what are your reasons?

Life is short. We all say this when we hear of yet another death of someone we believe has slipped away too soon. Yet, if we know it and believe it, why do we squander our gifts, our love, our time, our smiles and our energy. We focus on the wrong things, the temporal things, instead of those eternal gifts, given to outlast even the strongest of us.

Don't neglect your gifts. Life is too precious to not do what you were called to do.